Our Silent Sorrows
by angelsinstead
Summary: This story is a series of journal entries written by Todd as he and Marty go through the experience of trying to have a family. They will experience joy and heartbreak along their journey.
1. Journal Entry 1

_Author's Note - This story is a series of __journal entries__ written by Todd as he and Marty go through the experience of trying to have a family. They will experience joy and heartbreak along the journey. I do not own ABC, One Life to Live, or the characters. This story was written for entertainment only. _

**Journal Entry 1 - We're Having a Baby!**

Marty and I are ecstatic. We're having a baby. It's unbelievable that it's finally happened. This time it's for real. This time, we get to keep our baby. At least I pray that we do.

You see, this isn't our first pregnancy. We lost two precious babies before their birth. The first time, Marty was six weeks pregnant. She went to the bathroom and she saw blood. She called me from work, crying her heart out. I couldn't even understand her on the phone. I rushed home, but it was too late. She had already lost our precious baby. Our first child was gone.

Two months later, it happened all over again. The doctors didn't know why. We wanted a baby so much, but it didn't seem in the cards for us. Not after two miscarriages.

I am hoping we were wrong. Because this time Marty's six weeks pregnant, and it seems to be going well. The HCG tests were good. Marty's numbers were in the normal range. There hasn't been any blood. And we had an ultrasound today. We saw a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat. He or she just looked like a little blob on the screen. There were no recognizable arms or legs yet. But then we saw the heartbeat. There is nothing in this world as amazing as seeing your unborn child's heartbeat!

Marty and I are in our early twenties. We've been married for two years. We met in college. Now we live in a small apartment. It won't be long before we are setting up the spare room for the new baby. _I can't wait to be a dad!_

Ever since Marty announced she was pregnant again, I've been scared. We don't talk about it much, but we've both been scared of another loss. Now that we've had the ultrasound and we actually saw the baby, it's becoming more real. I want to shout it from the rooftops. **"I am gonna be a dad!" **

I want to yell out my joy to complete strangers. Marty and I have created this incredible little being and I cannot wait until our baby arrives. Sure, I am gonna make mistakes, but I am going to do my best to be a good dad. I love my wife so much and I love this baby, too.

Despite all my excitement, Marty's feeling very nervous. It doesn't help that she's running to the bathroom all the time to pee or to throw up. Everything makes her nauseous. She's having incredible mood swingsand crankiness. Everything I say seems to make her cry.

I try to reassure her. I tell her everything is going to be okay this time, although I just don't know. I pray that it will be, and in my heart, I do believe this little baby will make it. We are going to be a family; me, Marty, and our precious child.

Now that we saw the heartbeat, we have so much planning to do. Do we buy a crib now... or do we wait? When do we start telling all our relatives? When is it _really_ safe?

It's never the same when your joy has been shattered. It's never the same when you have lost so much. You're afraid to experience happiness when it was so cruelly taken from you two times before.

All we can do is hope and pray. We wait for a miracle. Let our prayers be answered.


	2. Journal Entry 2

**Journal Entry 2 - Shopping for Baby**

We've been cautiously optimistic, but now that we've reached the 20 week mark, we decided to go shopping and get some of the items we will need for the baby. I thought we'd just need a crib and a few sleepers, but Marty had other ideas. We ended up with a crib, a bassinet, a changing table, a high chair, a swing, a bouncer, a car seat, and a stroller. We have clothing for every day of the week and tons of diapers. I think our kid is set. In fact, I think our kid's going to be spoiled!

Seeing the joy on Marty's face was wonderful and worth every penny we spent. She's going to be an amazing mother. She looks beautiful, although she's already gained 20 pounds. She was really thin to begin with, so she needed to put on the extra weight.

The doctor said everything's going great and the baby is developing right on schedule, but we have had a few scares. Marty's lupus keeps flaring up and she's been so sick. She's been in the hospital a couple of times. It's been really scary. We don't want to lose another baby. We just told our family. My sister and nieces were thrilled. Everyone can't wait to hold Baby Manning. I wonder... will it be a boy... or will it be a girl?

At night, I love to lay in bed with Marty, cuddling her with my hand upon her tummy. I can feel our baby moving as we lie together in the darkness. I talk to our unborn child in a soft voice, telling him or her all of my youthful adventures. Marty usually ends up giggling. She says not to tell our child all of our secrets. Our baby is going to be here soon. It looks like we are finally gonna get our miracle!


	3. Journal Entry 3

Journal Entry** 3 - Roller-coaster Ride**

This pregnancy has been like a wild roller-coaster ride. I'm ready for it to stop! **Stop!**I want to get off!

Marty isn't doing very well. She's in the hospital again. The doctors aren't sure if she and the baby are going to be alright. They had to give her medicine to stop the contractions, because the stress of her lupus put her into preterm labor. It's too soon for the baby. If she has the baby now, he or she is not going to make it.

We don't know if we are having a boy or a girl yet. We want it to be a surprise. I pray the little one hangs on just a little bit longer. I pray that Marty gets better and she gets to come home from the hospital. I need her home with me. I miss her so much. I feel like I am dying inside.

She doesn't say much, but I know she's thinking of the two babies we lost before. We never talk about it, but it's always there. We can't lose this baby, too. I don't think we can withstand another loss. It wouldn't be fair. Everywhere we go, we see people with babies. Those people have happy families and smiling children. Why can't that be us? Why do we have to keep losing our children?

Last night I arrived at the hospital to find Marty crying in her hospital bed. Tears were rushing down her cheeks as she was silently crying. I know the fears in her heart, because I have them, too. It took all of our strength and courage to try for this baby after two tragic losses.

**I don't want to say good-bye before I even say hello.**


	4. Journal Entry 4

**Journal Entry 4 - Preeclampsia**

The wild roller-coaster ride which has been our third pregnancy is coming to an end. Marty's health is steadily deteriorating. They now have the lupus under control, but her blood pressure is rising. She has high levels of protein in her urine which alerted the doctors that she's suffering from preeclampsia. The only cure for preeclampsia is delivery. Ready or not, our baby is about to be born.

Marty's body has endured so much these past few weeks. I honestly don't think she can take much more. The doctors have decided to deliver as soon as they can prepare the operating room. Since Marty's liver and kidneys are failing, a natural delivery will not possible. They are prepping Marty for a c-section.

I'm going to be a dad very soon, but will our little son or daughter survive? My heart aches in knowing that it might be too soon for our little one to be born. So many fears, but I must be strong. I gotta be strong for Marty; she's been through so much. I gotta get her through this surgery. I must hope and pray that the aftermath is good.

We've already lost two children before their birth. My heart is crying out; **I don't want to lose another one!**


	5. Journal Entry 5

**Journal Entry 5 - Emergency Birth**

At 8:47 pm, our child was born, weighing 3 pounds and 7 ounces. He's really tiny, but he's still hanging on. I got to see him in the NICU. He's adorable, but long and thin. Sadly, he's connected to so many tubes and wires. I worry that he isn't going to make it.

I worry that Marty won't wake up to see our son. I worry that Marty won't wake up AT ALL.

I feel torn into a million pieces. I keep running back and forth between Marty's hospital room and our baby boy in NICU. I feel that Marty wouldn't want me to leave his side, so I stay with him as long as I can.

Yet... I know SHE needs me, too. She's still unconscious and hasn't even opened her eyes. I told her we have our baby, but I don't think she can hear my words. I hold her hand; I kiss her lips, but she doesn't respond.

Marty, wake up. I need you! Please, Marty, wake up NOW! I am so lost without you. The doctors told me you were so close to death. I almost lost you! Believe me - I can't go on without you. Wake up and see our son. We haven't even named him yet.

**I don't want to lose our baby boy before we give him a name.**


	6. Journal Entry 6

**Journal Entry 6 - Frightening Reality**

Finally, Marty's awake! The doctors have her blood pressure stabilized. Despite the pain from her incision, physically she's doing better. Emotionally, it's a struggle. Our baby is here ... but he was born over 2 months early. He's so tiny... and the doctors aren't sure if he's going to make it. There are so many dangers. We have to take it hour by hour, and at times, we have to take it minute by minute.

Marty is eager to see our son. Now that she's doing better, the doctors say they will take her up to NICU to see him. I don't know what her reaction will be. He's incredibly small, but he's ours... and we love him. He's the baby God sent to us after two painful losses. Now matter how long we have with him, we have to cherish every moment of his precious existence.

My sister is here and so are my nieces. We are surrounded by our family and friends. There have been so many tears - tears of happiness because we finally have a child ... and tears of sadness because we fear we might lose him.

Only the parents are allowed to go into NICU to see the baby, so for now we must tell our family goodbye. Marty and I will be going in soon to see our precious son. We have named our little boy Tyler Thomas Manning.

_Author's Note- Isn't it sad but true that when we go through grief and loss, we are pretty much alone? I know I felt very alone when I went through multiple pregnancy losses. I was hospitalized 3 times, and not even once did anyone come to visit me. That is why I chose the title "Our Silent Sorrows." Sorrow is so painful, but it's even worse when it's silent, screaming out inside of you. Even now, years later, no one even mentions the babies I lost. It's as if to them, those tiny souls never existed. It's as if their lives meant nothing at all. It is very painful to a mother when her child is forgotten. I decided to write this story to convey some of my feelings and let them out into the open. I don't wish to be "silent" anymore. I have worked through many of my emotions over the years, but anniversaries of the losses and the would-have-been birthdays can be hard. If anyone has any thoughts or feelings on that, I would love to hear them._


End file.
